Its been one month since my life here in Grahamstown began and I wonder if I'm the only one trying to figure out what exactly I'm doing here. I know what subjects I'm taking and the variations of where I could end up in a few years but I still feel so insecure about directing my life.
I dream so often that sometimes my own dreams delude me. I keep trying to factor them into the 'real world' and I keep hoping that it works. I want to do something different and unique. I don't want to study, get a job and live my life with my head down, just working to progress my personal well being. I want to see more of the world than most people do. I want to see the beauty that people miss because their heads are turned down. If I believe in love and harmony and beauty and history and art as defining factors for our world, does that make me a naive, romantic fool?
I watched September Issue recently and the fashion/creative editor said something that struck me. She said, "I guess I got left behind. I'm still a romantic." I felt as though she had taken the thought out of my head and heart and put it out there for the world to hear. Maybe I did get left behind. I have John Lennon on my brain and his philosophies and ideals are always present when I consider something. Studying that era, perhaps, was where I first started to fall behind other people - the people who think that those principles have no place in our world and that they're too old and outdated to bother with. I don't mind being left behind in that case. I don't mind being labelled a romantic. I get to see the world and think things in ways that other people don't. I write about love and thoughts and sentiments and the things that ignite my heart.
I've always wanted to be a writer and I came here to realize that. All I have to figure out now is where exactly in the world of writing and invention and creation I fit. That one place where I can take my words and put them out and have them read by people like me.