Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Running.

..So today went well. :/ It's happened so many times, I can't be blamed for trying to protect myself. I make friends with people who become attached to the illusion of happiness I give them - a smile, a comforting word and an escape. This isn't me being arrogant about who I am or what I'm like. How do I explain that over the years I've had friends who were only friends with me because I could make them feel cheerful or happy? How do I explain that once they found a way to be happy without me, the friendship was over?

I used to have this problem - I used to be afraid of being alone. I used to let myself become attached to people. As I grew older, I learnt to be detached, to not trust people blindly. Whenever I felt someone getting too close to me, I either ran away from them or pushed them away. I've always been the in-between girl. I fit in in-between the problems, I make things slightly better, slightly easier.

Today, I realized that I needed to walk away. And even though, I've done it a million times before, it never gets easier. I dont mind making people happy, I love doing it. I'm just guarding myself. Firefighters have this rule: the life of the rescuer is of a priority than the life of the victim. At some point, you have to make a call and you have to say no. Sometimes, you have to weigh up the options and protect yourself. If he's going to be the friend I think he will be, then I have to say no now. But that means I have to take the risk that I'm reading him right? I don't know if I am..

Nervous much?

..Love Starchild*

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