Thursday, June 3, 2010

Soooo, its been a while. Not that I didn't want to write, I've just been struggling to find the time to do it. Ok, that's a blatant lie. The truth is I don't know what to write. I've got too much stuff rushing around inside my mind, most of it contradictory and scarily, insane. I can't pull out a single strand of thought and write because it ultimately becomes some sort of cathartic rant that makes no sense to anyone - not even me.

Anyway, I leave Grahamstown on Sunday for my 6 week winter vac. :) I'm very keen to see my family, it's been a long short term. Semester 1 is almost behind me - that is, it will be after my exam on Saturday.

A lot has been happening... really.. more than I can explain. I don't quite know what I'm doing. I promised myself, after last year's experiences, that I would avoid falling in love at all costs. My first year at university hardly seems like the appropriate time for it. So, since I've been at Rhodes, I've kept all boys at acquaintance level. I'm afraid. If I'm being honest with myself, that's all I am right now. Very afraid. I can't face another broken heart. But sometimes, my life just goes along its own path and completely ignores the very specific plans I have.

I'm in love with someone.

It's a terrifying thought, it means he has a power over me that I'm not quite comfortable with. He can hurt me. So my independent, live life for myself, happy being alone attitude is sort of dead. And of course, as all things related to love go, this isn't simple. I don't know him that well, I have no idea of how other people perceive him and whether I've created a romanticized version of him. He loved me so fast. Fell in love with me while he was in love with someone else. I don't know what to do with that. I want to erase it so that my mind stops having terrible conversations with itself about him and speculating horrible things.. Something else happened today, which I have to admit, threw me. [ slight freak out - no big ] I got over it fast enough. What worries me is how often these incidences will be popping out at me. I do love him. I know that. If I could change the circumstances a little, I'd be willing to trust him and be with him. I'm just a bit lost right now. I have all these insecurities and fears waging a war against all this love I feel - and right now, the love is winning.

I keep waiting for him to break my heart. I don't know.
In love.
Afraid.
Still in love.
Oh well.

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