Sunday, August 29, 2010

This post has no title because I can't be bothered to think of one.

New places always make me want to write and for now, home feels new.
I feel most alive when things are new and  unfamiliar. Once they fall into a routine and I begin to get a good sense of it, I want something different. Sometimes its good, like when I have to do something for the first time but sometimes, its bad. Sometimes, running away from the familiar means you never really establish connections to anything. Not to places or things or people. It means you spend your whole life living out of a bag, because you're never in one place with the same people for too long. It means you never let yourself belong anywhere.

I used to want that freedom to find new things all the time. It was all I dreamt about. In the past few months, I found something I didn't even consider.. I found something that is familiar and comfortable and routined, but still new and changing everyday - and it makes me feel more alive than any new experience ever did.

In the beginning, I thought I would grow weary of him and him of me and we would slowly just resign back to our lives and either pick up where we left off or move on to something else that filled the gap. I didn't. He didn't. In a way, we're still the same as we were in April but in many ways, we're not. What we have, like every other relationship, has patterns and familiarities but it's also new everyday. We're different to the people we were in the beginning (well I am). Maybe we're just letting down barriers as we grow more secure in each other but I'd like to think we're changing each other. He creates new things in me. He changes the things I thought were very definite about me. He wants me to unpack and stay and I will, because every minute with him is new. If I ever belonged to anyone or in any place (or rather wanted to belong) - then it's to him and with him.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Writing about a boy*

I remember writing this story once, about a boy.
It was a sunny, cold day. We have those in Pietermaritzburg.

Other than the peace sign in my margin, a blank page stared back at me. How often had I been here before? An empty mind and nothing to write down.. I closed my eyes and suddenly, there he was. A vivid picture filled with sharp colours and lines, he wasn't in love with me, he didn't know my name. Seeing him was like the first time I heard the music from a jewellery box - quietly mesmorizing and once, I'd heard it, I couldn't forget it. Once I had the picture, it consumed everything I wrote and sometimes, when I was lost in something, it would be pulled up out of the files and played across my memory.

I traced the line of his face with my words. When his eyes were closed, his face was peaceful and still, betraying none of the chaos that was inside. When he smiled, it felt directed at me. I filled pages with the colour of his hair in the sunlight, the way he smelt of fresh laundry and something else that I could never quite catch - it reminded me of vanilla but not so strong and of spring but not so sweet. The picture didn't fade like others did. It changed slightly as I grew up but it was always there.

Today, in the bus on my way home, I leaned against the window and closed my eyes. For that moment when you are suspended in between being awake and asleep - I saw it again. The picture was just as vivid, but he was just a boy now. Just a random picture, I didn't feel anything when I saw it. I couldn't remember the music anymore. I opened my eyes and sat up.

I don't remember when it happened. I don't remember the moment when you became more beautiful than any dream I could imagine. Now I wish I could write a story about a boy like you and just come close to describing you.

(I love you*)

Monday, August 23, 2010

The most boring post you'll ever read.

Everything's been crazily crazy lately, like C.R.A.Z.Y. I really hate chaos.

(Really Tish, you hate chaos? Have you seen the state of your room? Have you noticed how you only work under pressure? Stop lying to the people. Its rude.)

=/ Fiiiine.
I don't completely hate chaos. I hate it when it completely overwhelms my life. Which is what's happening right now.

(So what's causing all this chaos? Hmm? Care to share?)

 I have assignments and essays all due simultaneously this week. Kinda the week from hell.

(Bitch please, you've had those essays for weeks, you just put them under your pillow for 'safe keeping' )

I was in hospital ok, not like I was lying in the sun chilling. Now I have to work like a whore on Saturdays to finish it all and that means less sleep.

(Sleep is for suckers and some other group of people I'm not gonna say outloud.)

Because you're lame. Shut up.
Anyway, the strange thing is, amidst the chaos of uni work, I've been happy. Normally crazy chaos makes me kind of crazy and I've been happy.

(Omg, and I'm lame? You're lame and gay. I might throw up.)

Oh my god. GTFO.

(Admit you're gay now, and I'll go.)

Fine. I've been acting gay.

( Do me favour will you, this thurday and friday, will you please go outside your room and man up? Like get drunk for the first time this damn term and maybe trip someone and eat some meat or something. You're killing me. Ok? Thanks.Bye.)

=/
If I survive this week, I fully intend to party until I'm almost dead this friday.

( Are you sure you don't wanna stay home and play 'miss your boyfriend until you send gay messages to him'?)

I thought you were leaving? I'm going out and you were supposed to leave!

( Are you gonna go to that place with the cute bartenders?)

There are no places like that.

( Fine. Don't. I don't care.)

Neither do I. I'm going out with Lexi and David and Jade and Mark, we're too hardcore for cute bartenders. What are you, in high school?

( You know where they have cute bartenders?)

I said I don't care..

( FINE. I won't tell you.)

Ok then.

(...)

We're probaby just gonna chill and watch the stars and get completely smashed on vodka.

(ah huh...)

What?

(..nothing..)

Aaaahhh... Just tell me where the cute bartenders are.

( If you insist.. at Friars.)

Yeah. We're not going there.

( You're such a fun-sucker. We don't have fun anymore.)

That's because I banish you when I'm having fun because you say stupid things that get us in trouble. Now sod off.

(Fine. Bye. You're so hormonal. What is it, that time of month?)

I might kill you.

( 'kay I'm gone.)

Siiigh. I better go now too..
2000 words for History.
Love love love.
=P Ciao*

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Kissing you.

I have been dreaming of kissing. A lot.
about kissing you.

I have been dreaming about kissing. You in places. Many places.
starting at the nape of your neck,
working down the length of your spine.
Gently across your belly,
below your navel.

I've been imagining placing my lips
to the corner of your mouth.
on the tip of your nose.
inside your thigh.
at the pulse of your throat.

In short baby, I've been thinking about kissing you. A lot.


 -- I Love You :)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

LIBRARIES. They should meet my boyfriend. He could teach them all about logicality.

ITS WEDNESDAY, OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. Weeks disappear so quickly, I remember when Wednesday night was the beginning of the weekend in Grahamstown with all the mid-week parties. Now everyone is so stressed, you hardly see anyone out - unless you count being in the library looking like death at a wedding at 3 in the morning "being out". So ja. FUN TIMES. Anyway, I thought I would relay my library woes to you this morning.

I mean I never really liked the place. You need a student card to get in and out for one thing. Getting in - I understand. Getting out?? WHY?? how do they think you got into the place in the first instance and what are they gonna do if you don't have a student card - I'm sorry you can't leave today. Just wait until the student card you used to get in magically reappears again. :/ wow.

Anyway, Rhodes has multiple libraries across campus. (I don't know why they aren't all in one place, that would make more sense to me) SO.

I go to the main library to find this book that I need because my whole history essay has to be about it and they're like nah, its in the Cory library. So I go to Cory and they're like it isn't here, it's in the education library. So I go to the education library and they're like WELL it's supposed to be here but for some reason that no one can explain it isn't. Sorry we can't help you any further and I'm like OMG. You people are a waste of space on the planet. I know rocks that are more useful.

GAH.
I wish librarians and the like, had to walk the distance I walked trying to find this damn book everyday for the rest of their lives and then a few more centuries after that.

Every single day.

Every.
Single.
Day. (trust me, it was far.)

Then maybe I wouldn't dislike them so much.

Starchild*

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Happy Tuesday.

My To Do list for today. (Today being loosely defined as the next week)

1. Get the eff out of bed.
2. Go to all classes.
3. Do not get back into bed when classes are over.
4. CATCH UP ALL WORK BECAUSE THIS IS GETTING EXCESSIVELY RIDIC.
5. Get back into bed.
6. Do not do number 5. (I'm being mind fucked by my own brain.)
7. A good measure of panic is necessary when life is this out of hand, being this chilled isn't normal. Work on it.

..Love Starchild*

oh.. and:

8. STOP FACEPLANTING. This new habit of tripping over relatively flat surfaces isn't helping anything, breaking your face will probably result in a further chaotic life.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Monday Morning.

So. I MISSED TWO WEEKS OF UNI BECAUSE I WAS IN HOSPITAL AND NOW MY LIFE IS FALLING APART. I have to write 1500 words tonight on a topic I haven't even researched. I have a million assignments to do and I have to read a book that I can't find.

I panicked for a few minutes (twitching and pacing included), ate a tube of Pringles and drank a lot of Vitamin water and now, I'm going to rescue my life and hopefully not be thrown out of uni. :) Love love love my life.

..Love Starchild :)

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Change.

I can't remember the last time I was itchy from rolling in the grass.
I can't remember the last time I was underwater.
I can't remember the last time I lay in the sun and read a book.
I can't remember the last time I smelt the moisture in the air before a big thunderstorm.
I can't remember the last time I saw lightning.
I can't remember the last time I felt my lungs burn from running too hard.
It was so long ago.

I remember the last time I smiled so much my cheeks hurt.
I remember the last time I danced thinking of nothing but the music.
I remember the last time I felt the rain on my face.
I remember the last time I walked to town staring at the stars.
I remember the last time I cried because I was so happy.
I remember the last time I tried to write and all I could get out was 'I love him'.
It was just a moment ago.

Friday, August 6, 2010

The things he's stayed through*

1. My mean-ness and the way I don't know how to be softer with him
2. My lack of trust in things being ok
3. My over-sensitivity about his past
4. My craziness
5. The times when I've tried to make him leave because I don't feel secure
6. The times I've made him cry because I don't think about how things affect him
7. My lack of understanding as to how things are supposed to be between us

Sometimes I don't know how he can be so strong through this stuff. He manages to make me smile when I'm dying (like now from Bronchitis). He worries all the time. He cares more about if I'm ok than about himself. He stays up til ridiculous hours to talk to me. He puts up with all my worries and insecurities. He listens to all the pointless nonsense I tell him.

Starchild*

Thursday, August 5, 2010

How I feel right now.

Irritated. Confined. Lost. Sick.

Why does it feel like I've been fast asleep and just woken up to find my life is in complete chaos?

I hate this feeling.