Wednesday, January 26, 2011

On fixing me, or starting anyway.

I am a fixer.
No. I do not mean I sell narcotics to addicts.
I mean I am the person who fixes things that are broken. Or more specifically, people. 
I spend my life being that person that people turn to when something goes wrong. Sometimes it's voluntary, sometimes I get roped in. Most people think that makes me some sort of genuinely considerate, caring person. 
Trust me, I'm not. 

The big fat truth is I am very broken. I'm probably as broken as they come. Fixing other people is a completely selfish act for me. It's all about me - makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and Dr Phil-like inside. If in the process, you feel a little bit better and more capable of handling your life, well then yay for you..

A long time ago, I decided that relationships like the one I dreamt of didn't actually exist. You could be with someone for 20 years and there was still a chance that they'd walk out on you. Then, I had this genius idea that, I would just give up on the notion that there was Romeo or Gatsby out there and that someday I'd be swept off my feet. I'd seen other women waiting, settling because life was ticking by and Prince Charming, he wasn't coming.

But then Hope came along and she bitch slapped me right in the face. Because just when I had accepted that no such man existed and I had had enough bullcrap, she threw out a glimmer. A door held open. A midnight walk home. A genuine no strings attached compliment. And even though I fought it, I was back hoping to the god I deny that there's a guy who's different.

Something broke me. And even though I made peace with it, I didn't make peace with me.
I'm still a ten year old kid, running scared. And any relationship puts me right back there.
I don't trust anyone, not completely anyway. I get jealous too easily because I'm afraid.
I'm insecure. I'm dependent. I expect the worst so I don't have to face disappointment.
And I realize that if I don't fix me, I'll lose the one person who made me thankful for Hope.

So here's to fixing me, something I should have done a long time ago.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Know the truth*

Have you ever held a new born baby? Or even seen one? Felt the delicate way they fit into your shape for support? The miracle of life is one rarely ever fully acknowledged, like the blooming of a flower and the rising of the sun. From the moment of conception, an embryo is something completely unique. Something the world hasn't seen yet. She has her own genetic code, her own personality and features already programmed, ready to come to life.

It has been 38 years since the Roe v Wade and Doe v Bolton Supreme Court decisions were handed down, legalising abortion in the USA - abortion for all nine months of pregnancy for any reason. In that time, 52 million babies have been aborted legally. I can't even imagine 52 million babies. I can't imagine 52 million anything.

Here's what I know about unborn babies:

- By day 22, her heart will beat, pumping a blood separate and different to that of her mother's.
- From week 3 to 8, she'll develop major organs, she'll have a face and her own set of fingerprints. She'll be able to hear, she'll respond to her mother's voice.
- By week 9 and 10, she can hiccup.
- By week 12, the baby can experience pain, her vocal cords are complete and she can suck her thumb.
- By week 17, the baby can have dream (REM) sleep.
- Week 20, she recognises her mother's voice.

There are lots of valid reasons for having an abortion, realities that women have to face and make a decision about. But every day there are more and more careless people who use abortions as an easy get-out-of-jail-free card. Know the truth about what you're doing. Legally, that baby isn't a 'person' but scientifically, an unborn child is a human being, completely separate of its mother.

Just know the truth, if you're mature enough to have sex, then be mature enough to stand up to the consequences.

From flickr.com by Leo Reynolds (cc)

Friday, January 21, 2011

Find the courage to know what you want.

P.S I Love You
Gerry Connelly (holding Holly by the shoulders)

: What do you want, Hol? What?
Because I'm tired of trying to figure it out. 
You want a bigger apartment?
I'll take a second job.
You want a child, you don't want a child. What?
I know what I want because I have it in my hands right now.
Do you? Do you know what you want?

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I think too many people are wandering around without a clue. They graduate from high school and university and still have no idea what they want for themselves.  I don’t mean you have to know what you want to be, you don’t have to have a 10 year plan going, but know what you want.
Dream something.
Create something.
Find something.
Keep it inside you and remember it.
If you know what you want, you have a direction, you have purpose. You don’t have to know how you’re going to get there, just know where you’re going.

We’re such a vivid, brave species  – humans I mean.  Careless and vapid, yes but brave too. We get out of bed, live the same life, face the same bullshit, complain and cry and tomorrow, we’ll do it all over again. We have a fighting spirit, an unmatched courage to come back from the impossible and beat the odds.

Know what you want.
It’ll give you something to fight for.

--20heaven :) Here’s to a new beginning and another chance.