Wednesday, January 26, 2011

On fixing me, or starting anyway.

I am a fixer.
No. I do not mean I sell narcotics to addicts.
I mean I am the person who fixes things that are broken. Or more specifically, people. 
I spend my life being that person that people turn to when something goes wrong. Sometimes it's voluntary, sometimes I get roped in. Most people think that makes me some sort of genuinely considerate, caring person. 
Trust me, I'm not. 

The big fat truth is I am very broken. I'm probably as broken as they come. Fixing other people is a completely selfish act for me. It's all about me - makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and Dr Phil-like inside. If in the process, you feel a little bit better and more capable of handling your life, well then yay for you..

A long time ago, I decided that relationships like the one I dreamt of didn't actually exist. You could be with someone for 20 years and there was still a chance that they'd walk out on you. Then, I had this genius idea that, I would just give up on the notion that there was Romeo or Gatsby out there and that someday I'd be swept off my feet. I'd seen other women waiting, settling because life was ticking by and Prince Charming, he wasn't coming.

But then Hope came along and she bitch slapped me right in the face. Because just when I had accepted that no such man existed and I had had enough bullcrap, she threw out a glimmer. A door held open. A midnight walk home. A genuine no strings attached compliment. And even though I fought it, I was back hoping to the god I deny that there's a guy who's different.

Something broke me. And even though I made peace with it, I didn't make peace with me.
I'm still a ten year old kid, running scared. And any relationship puts me right back there.
I don't trust anyone, not completely anyway. I get jealous too easily because I'm afraid.
I'm insecure. I'm dependent. I expect the worst so I don't have to face disappointment.
And I realize that if I don't fix me, I'll lose the one person who made me thankful for Hope.

So here's to fixing me, something I should have done a long time ago.

5 comments:

  1. Wow :) I am exactly the same. I think it's quite a challenge to try fix yourself this time. It's too easy to fix someone else. I have been trying to do that for a few months now... I have these beliefs that are just that and haven't been put into practice because I feel they don't apply to me just yet. I am waiting for something to happen all the time. I think that's what we do, we wait instead of do...

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  2. Don't be too hard on yourself; we're all fallible. We're all insecure. Do your best, make the changes you're capable of making, that's all you can do. Things, relationships, don't always work out the way one wishes. Life is like that. Sure, it's disappointing. But better to accept it than always blame yourself and think something is wrong with you. The right thing will come along eventually, maybe it already has.

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  3. In the past that's what I've done, put it down to life and circumstances. But I end up pushing away people I love because I'm waiting for them to mess up and looking for betrayals that don't exist. Change is becoming very necessary.

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  4. OMG ! Girl you are my exact twin in this post, i been like this for log time when it's down to love im married and still get feelings like that here and there alot! WOW! Great stuff, if you like you can follow me http://caroljwantsyourblog2opinions.blogspot.com/ and www.myspace.com/lilma1 is my music myspace im an artist in music, i draw and also getting into the art scene little by little but nice blog!

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  5. Exactly...we all are scared of getting close to someone..cuz...we have this nagging fear of this unknown...
    Most of us has treaded the same path.
    But yeah as you said..its time to fix ourself..most of us are good in fixing other peoples life..

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