Saturday, March 5, 2011

On friends that we have to let go of.

Letting go is like a compulsory class we all have to take. Some of us take it early in life, others much later. But those of us who face it now, when we are young, we have an advantage - we have graduated when others are just beginning.
When I was a kid, I thought I would be friends with my friends forever and ever. Looking back, those girls were my life. We did everything together and we grew up together. But the reality of the world is that we make friends, we enjoy our time together and we outgrow each other. There are those precious few that we hold onto to and that stay with us through all the changes, but mostly we lose our friends.

I had one very special friend in high school. I met him when I was 15 and we talked everyday for three years. He came to be someone I relied on and who relied on me. Even then I was sure we would always be friends. He would complain to me about girls and how shallow and silly they can be as though I wasn't one myself. I could tell him things that I was afraid to tell anyone else. He was one of those people who you could talk to and know that he would hold onto your secrets forever. When we graduated from high school, I was excited for this new world we were entering into together.

This year I will be 20. It has been almost a year and a half since I last spoke to him.
We walk past each other like strangers.
Those inevitable moments when our lives cross, because of mutual friends or because we live in a town so small it's hard to get away from anyone, those moments used to be the worst I've ever felt.
Now, they're no different from the rest.

I don't know when, or how, but at some point I let go.
I grew tired of fighting.
It used to hurt so much, I couldn't sleep at night. I thought I would always have this empty space in me.
But life is a like a tide, we can't stop it and it washes over us and when we look again, there's no more pain and we're different.

I wrote this for him, 'The heart is brave when we least expect it.'
I used to hope he would remember, but sometimes hope isn't worth it.

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