Monday, April 4, 2011

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it?

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." 

 Neil Gaiman (The Kindly Ones)

Whenever I get hurt or watch someone else get hurt, whenever I see how destructive love can be, I wonder what makes us all so attracted to it in the first place? I wonder why we keep putting our faith in it, are we just too stupid to learn from our mistakes? 
Have we all been so indoctrinated by Disney that we can't bring ourselves to believe that love isn't all fairy tales and magic and happily ever afters? 

I don't know any more. I'm not sure I ever did. I wish I could find the answer. It would make everything so much easier to understand. 

I guess I had such a black and white view of love that when I was thrown into the grey area, everything just fell apart. 

I just wish I could rewind and go back to that clear, sunny day when you said I love you for the first time.
Not to erase it. 
Just to start again. 
Because that's all I really want, a fresh start and another chance. 

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